So hard to do, right? That’s the point. It’s not supposed to necessarily be hard, or is it?
Here’s where we get in trouble: when what we expect doesn’t match up with what actually happens or what we hope will happen. It’s about the attachment to the outcome – not necessarily the outcome itself.
Let’s say you’re working on a project that requires the input of other members of your team and your goal is to have it wrapped up before you start planning your year-end fundraising event. You aren’t able to complete the first project without the information you need from the other parties. Those you’re waiting on have their own “to dos” and deadlines to juggle and figure out.
If you’re not the one in charge, you may not be in a position to dictate when that information is received back, or if you are in charge, it could conflict with another equally important priority that requires that team member’s attention. The point is there are things you can control and things you can’t.
Ideally, you would like this project to be completed before your fundraising event so that you can focus your time and energy on that event and not have to manage multiple bigger projects at the same time. That right there is a description of your attachment to the idea that this project has to be done first.
Let’s dig in here . . .
What are the reasons you think this has to be done first?
Does it really have to be done first?
Is it possible to manage both projects well at the same time?
What would it take to make sure both are done well and on time?
Could you involve your other team members and brainstorm what each of you have on your plates, what the priorities are and how you could help each other get there?
This is all food for thought.
Our thoughts around the situation are what we can control.
The art of letting go is all about releasing our attachment – which usually involves “have to” or “do or die” type thoughts that put ourselves under unnecessary stress to achieve what we set out to.
What would it look like to compare our approaches in thinking about the same situation?
Situation: Work Project can’t be completed without information needed from a colleague.
Scenario 1 Thoughts:
“We have to get this done or I’ll be in deep trouble with my Board and those I serve won’t have what they need!”
“What’s taking this person so long . . . doesn’t he/she know how important this is?”
“I can’t handle this project and coordinating the fundraising event at the same time!”
“It’s too much!”
“I’m going to pull my hair out.”
“This needs to be done now!”
Scenario 1 Actions (Driven by the thoughts):
Curtness, snippiness with colleague; Putting the pressure on; Tension arises
Scenario 1 Possible Results:
- Stressfully getting the project done with mediocre results.
- Postponing the project until all information is received, while feeling the pressure and frustration of not getting it accomplished. This could lead to resentment between team members if viewed as obstacles to getting this done.
- Finishing the project with good results and the price paid is the additional angst and stress to meet the deadline.
Same Situation: Work Project can’t be completed without information needed from a colleague. Different Outlook
Scenario 2 Thoughts:
“What can I do to make sure this project gets done?”
“Is there anything I can help my colleague with that would expedite getting his/her portion of the project back?”
“What else can I work on in the meantime (perhaps get a head start on pre-planning for our fundraising event like identifying which donors to invite & enlisting them to spread the word that an event is coming. Details TBD).
Scenario 2 Actions:
Approaching your colleague with a “we’re in this together” attitude and asking what else can be done to free him/her up (enlist additional assistance so he/she can focus on his/her contribution to the project to move it forward).
Scenario 2 Possible Results:
- Harmony, progress toward completion of the project.
- Setting the stage for a supportive and a safe environment to collaborate together and know what needs to be done will be done.
- A successful completion of the project with reasonable expectations and good outcomes.
I recently had my own personal opportunity to practice detachment . . . when my husband and I recently missed our flight home from a conference – even though we arrived at our gate on time. The airline gatekeeper decided to close the gate 15 minutes early and proceeded to allow several other standby passengers who had not been ticketed onto the plane. She essentially had them take our seats and with a “too bad so sad attitude” informed us that we’d have to find other flight arrangements. We were in the airport and had been delayed in security and the airline knew it. There was no need to give our seats away and refuse to let us on the plane.
I’ll admit my normal reaction would have been to be upset, annoyed and like hell hath no fury like a passenger scorned. However, since I happened to be reading a book emphasizing the idea of letting go . . . I considered this the perfect opportunity to do so.
Here’s what went down: I calmly (with slight irritation) asked the airline attendant if there was any way possible to get onto the flight, which she happily and forcefully denied.
It was at that moment that I recognized the power of choice was mine. I could go down the usual anger and frustration road or I could go with the flow and manage the situation at hand. I went with the latter action or inaction and the most amazing things happened!
We re-booked our flights with no additional charges two days out, found a hotel within budget, enjoyed all the activities we missed out on during the conference (since it was so packed to the minute), like the elaborate and delicious buffets and certain attractions we intended to visit and got some additional downtime without the kids.
Was it inconvenient? A little.
Was it what we planned? Not at all.
Was it what I actually needed? Surprisingly yes – this was exactly what I needed and didn’t even know it!
The funny thing is, I was wishing that I could have buffered in a day or two extra prior to the conference, but it was too late or would incur an unreasonable premium to be able to do so.
We had such an enjoyable and fun time that my husband suggested I thank the gatekeeper attendant for not letting us get on our flight. I nodded, but passed on taking his recommendation (not quite ready for that).
Where the magic happened was at the crossroads:
Deciding to not fight it and let the situation unfold and take whatever action was needed each step of the way.
My initial thoughts were:
“I guess we’re not going to be on that flight.”
“Wow, we’ve never missed a flight before.”
“How did that happen?”
“What could we do better to ensure there’s plenty of time.”
The thoughts that served me were:
“Ok, where do we go from here.”
“How can I make the best of the situation?”
“Maybe this is happening for a reason (and it was – just didn’t realize it).”
The art of letting go starts with:
- Pausing and reminding yourself that there are things you can and cannot control. Then focus only on those things you do have control over: your thoughts your attitude, your words and your actions.
- Recognizing you have a choice in the moment.
- Intentionally deciding to let go. This is not easy to do. What can be useful here is asking yourself questions regarding best and worst case scenarios and how you would handle them.
- Choosing thoughts that serve you. There will be negative thoughts that come up and that’s okay. If you find that happening, write them down, step away and return to them when you’re in a calmer frame of mind. Write down the opposite thoughts.
- Practice replacing the negative thoughts with the opposite thoughts. Tip: When choosing opposite thoughts, pick ones you’re more likely to believe. An example of this would be:
Negative thoughts: “I have no patience! This is so frustrating!”
Positive (ideal) thoughts: “I’m patient. I’m calm and collected.” Although this is nice, it’s not going to be as effective for you if you don’t buy into it.
BETTER: Replacement/realistic thoughts: “I’m becoming more and more patient or I’m practicing my patience muscle. This will lower my stress and help me to be calmer.”
6. Keep practicing – it’s not an overnight process and will take time.
7. Be compassionate with yourself; you’re doing the best you can! You will get there!
I may not be ready to thank the gatekeeper attendant quite yet, but I’ve practiced one small exercise in the art of letting go. As time goes by, bigger tests will come our way and before you know it, we’ll be much better equipped in the art of letting go! Who knows, perhaps this muscle of detachment will be so strong that in the moment we can be appreciative of whatever is happening, knowing that somehow, some way this is for the highest good of everyone involved; we just don’t see it right away.